How to touch grass
Welcome to the first tutorial of the “Chronically Online to Normal Person” program! This tutorial will be about touching grass; something you may have been told to do whilst arguing with strangers on Twitter or Reddit or another social media platform.
Touching grass can be a daunting task at first, but with this tutorial, you’ll be able to conquer the feat!
Step 1 – Turn off your computer. There are many ways to do this and it varies with operating system, but the universal way to do it is to pull the plug from the outlet, or if your outlet has one, flick the “ON” switch to “OFF”. If you need the instructions, print them out, or seek this tutorial on a smartphone.
Step 1.1 – Don’t panic. It may be stressful to be without your computer or internet access, especially if it is your first time doing this. But don’t worry, your files and stuff will still be there, even after you touch grass.
Step 2 – Leave your current room, which is probably a bedroom, or the basement of your mother’s house. Due to the complexity of this task, this will be split into multiple smaller steps.
Step 2.1 – You’ll need to find a door, which probably looks like a tall, skinny rectangle, usually with either a handle or knob on it. Once you’ve found one, move on to step 2.2.
Step 2.2 – Open the door. If you have a handle, grasp the handle with your hand like you do with a computer mouse, pull down on the handle, and pull towards you to open the door. If that didn’t work, try pushing away from you.
If you have a knob, grasp the knob (on the door) with your hand, twist it, and pull towards you. If that didn’t work, try twisting the knob in the other direction, and/or pushing away from you.
Do not confuse windows for doors.
Step 2.3 – Check if you have went the right direction. Some rooms have multiple doors, some of which may not lead you closer to the exit of the house. If you see a bathroom or closet, you’ve likely opened the wrong door. Please go back to step 2.1. However, if you see a hallway room or something like that, you’re in the right direction.
Step 2.4 – Walk through the door, now that there is a walkable gap ever since you’ve opened the door. Congratulations, you’ve exited your room! Give yourself a pat on the back, although you are still far from touching grass.
Step 3 – Locate a family member or a roommate, and ask them to lead you to the exit of the house. This requires some face-to-face socialising, which seems daunting, but they are usually friendly unless provoked. Feel free to take some deep breaths before proceeding if you feel anxious. If you asked a family member, it is somewhat likely that they will ask for a reason. You have the legal right to remain silent, but you can say that you finished your homework/studied/sent a job application to appease them and ensure they will lead you to the exit. If you are not sure on what to say, here is a example conversation:
You: “Hello [name of person], can you lead me to the exit of the house please?”
Person: “Why do you want to leave the house?”
You: “I did my homework for today, and I want to take a walk.”
Person: “Okay.” (they will proceed to lead you to the exit.)
Step 4 – Prepare for going outside. The outdoors will attack your skin and eyes with rays known as “sunlight”, and you will need to protect yourself against it. However, it is almost certain that you will survive going outside, but if you are cautious, find a special object called “sunglasses”, which look like regular glasses but with darker lenses, and wear them. If you are extra cautious, find another special object called “suncream” or “sunscreen”, open the bottle, and spread it onto your skin evenly. Remember that you are not in a rush, you can take this tutorial at your own pace, and believe in yourself!
Step 5 – Open the exit door, using your knowledge from step 2.2.
Step 6 – Locate the grass. You will need to know its structure first though, so grass is a green, tall, thin plant that covers a lot of the outdoors’ ground. If you need an image of grass to refer to, use Google or a similar search engine.
Step 7 – Walk to the location of the grass.
Step 8 – Take deep breaths. The next step will be the most difficult step of them all, so it is important to take deep breaths to calm down and lower your anxiety levels.
Step 9 – The most gruelling step of all: Touching the grass. You will likely feel a lot of stress, anxiety, and other negative feelings, but these are normal emotions and it is okay to feel that way, and you will get adapted to this with practice. If you are still feeling anxious, take more deep breaths and remind yourself that you will be okay. You cannot give up here, as you are very close to touching grass. To touch grass, crouch down (bend your knees and lower yourself so that you are close to the ground and leaning forward slightly), extend your arm, and lower that same arm in a way that your hand is in physical contact with the grass.
Congratulations! You’ve touched grass! You’ve began your self-improvement journey from Chronically Online to Normal Person, and you should feel proud of yourself for this achievement. Next tutorial, I will teach you how to get milk.
You should repeat this process at least once a week, and refer back to this tutorial if needed. With practice, this seemingly impossible task will turn into a cakewalk!
btw heres tankman- OH FRICK HES POINTING RIGHT AT ME